Today’s daily prompt, courtesy of The Daily Post, is entitled “Last Words”, with the following description:
You have the chance to write one last post on your blog before you stop blogging forever. Write it.
At first, this prompt seemed a little morbid. I mean, it was putting me on my blogging deathbed, which I imagine must be worse than being on my actual deathbed. On top of that, what would I write about? What would be my final words to the public, before I completely retire from writing, or, and this is dramatic, from life altogether? It’s a heavy subject that, at 22, I’m not sure I can fully address or appreciate.
There are a few lessons that I’ve learned from life, like, as I discussed in my previous post, adjusting and making your own happiness. I’ve also learned that there is no one cooler to be than yourself.
At this point in my life, I’m learning and relearning so much that, if I even attempted to write a “last post”, its finality would only last a short time before mandating an edit of some sort. Honestly, I think that if I were absolutely required to say my final words now, and forever hold my peace, it would just be a massive list of apologies—
Which is exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to, in this post, acknowledge the apologies that have been silenced for whatever reason, whether from pride, embarrassment, or poor timing.
But there is a catch. (Isn’t there always?) I’m not going to use names or be over-specific because, after years of passive aggressive AIM messages and LiveJournaling, I finally acquired a bit of maturity. An actual, genuine apology should never be delivered over a blog post. This is simply the first step to me conquering my past regrets, with one of the shortest but hardest things to say: “I’m sorry.” (Besides, who doesn’t secretly love reading vague, personal posts like this? What will be soul cleansing for me will be entertainment for you.)
*deep breath* Here we go.
1. I’m sorry for making you cry. Even though I apologized immediately after, a verbal apology wasn’t enough to express it.
2. I’m sorry for calling you that cruel name when we were kids. Age was no excuse for my behavior, as the guilt has stuck with me ever since. I wonder if I’d told you the truth instead, that you were beautiful, and I was jealous, if you’d see in yourself what everyone else sees.
3. I’m sorry for being insensitive or speaking without thinking.
4. I’m sorry for making you feel like you are anything less than perfect; I love you just as you are and wouldn’t change a thing.
5. I’m sorry for any judgment based on shallow observations, for any time I’ve avoided eye contact, for any thank you that has gone unsaid, for any door that I’ve let shut behind me, and for any word, look, or action that has made anyone feel less than great about themselves. Mostly, I’m sorry for anytime I haven’t given someone the easiest thing to give: a chance.
6. I’m sorry for never thanking you for everything you did for me that year.
7. I’m sorry for choosing anything over my friendship with you. It has always been my most valued relationship, and I intend to spend the rest of my life treating it with the love and respect it deserves.
8. I’m sorry for not always giving you the only thing you’ve ever asked of me: time.
9. I’m sorry for avoiding confrontation and for being a coward and stepping out on our friendship instead.
10. I’m sorry for not saying I’m sorry more often.
…Well, that was sufficiently awkward, but I’ve got to say that I feel as if a portion of my burden has been lifted from my shoulders. You should try it.
One day, I’d like to deliver these apologies in the form of handwritten letters, and I hope that I have the courage and confidence to do so.