Today’s daily prompt, courtesy of The Daily Post, is entitled “Last Words”, with the following description:
You have the chance to write one last post on your blog before you stop blogging forever. Write it.
At first, this prompt seemed a little morbid. I mean, it was putting me on my blogging deathbed, which I imagine must be worse than being on my actual deathbed. On top of that, what would I write about? What would be my final words to the public, before I completely retire from writing, or, and this is dramatic, from life altogether? It’s a heavy subject that, at 22, I’m not sure I can fully address or appreciate.
There are a few lessons that I’ve learned from life, like, as I discussed in my previous post, adjusting and making your own happiness. I’ve also learned that there is no one cooler to be than yourself.
At this point in my life, I’m learning and relearning so much that, if I even attempted to write a “last post”, its finality would only last a short time before mandating an edit of some sort. Honestly, I think that if I were absolutely required to say my final words now, and forever hold my peace, it would just be a massive list of apologies—
Which is exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to, in this post, acknowledge the apologies that have been silenced for whatever reason, whether from pride, embarrassment, or poor timing.
But there is a catch. (Isn’t there always?) I’m not going to use names or be over-specific because, after years of passive aggressive AIM messages and LiveJournaling, I finally acquired a bit of maturity. An actual, genuine apology should never be delivered over a blog post. This is simply the first step to me conquering my past regrets, with one of the shortest but hardest things to say: “I’m sorry.” (Besides, who doesn’t secretly love reading vague, personal posts like this? What will be soul cleansing for me will be entertainment for you.)
*deep breath* Here we go.
1. I’m sorry for making you cry. Even though I apologized immediately after, a verbal apology wasn’t enough to express it.
2. I’m sorry for calling you that cruel name when we were kids. Age was no excuse for my behavior, as the guilt has stuck with me ever since. I wonder if I’d told you the truth instead, that you were beautiful, and I was jealous, if you’d see in yourself what everyone else sees.
3. I’m sorry for being insensitive or speaking without thinking.
4. I’m sorry for making you feel like you are anything less than perfect; I love you just as you are and wouldn’t change a thing.
5. I’m sorry for any judgment based on shallow observations, for any time I’ve avoided eye contact, for any thank you that has gone unsaid, for any door that I’ve let shut behind me, and for any word, look, or action that has made anyone feel less than great about themselves. Mostly, I’m sorry for anytime I haven’t given someone the easiest thing to give: a chance.
6. I’m sorry for never thanking you for everything you did for me that year.
7. I’m sorry for choosing anything over my friendship with you. It has always been my most valued relationship, and I intend to spend the rest of my life treating it with the love and respect it deserves.
8. I’m sorry for not always giving you the only thing you’ve ever asked of me: time.
9. I’m sorry for avoiding confrontation and for being a coward and stepping out on our friendship instead.
And, lastly,
10. I’m sorry for not saying I’m sorry more often.
…Well, that was sufficiently awkward, but I’ve got to say that I feel as if a portion of my burden has been lifted from my shoulders. You should try it.
One day, I’d like to deliver these apologies in the form of handwritten letters, and I hope that I have the courage and confidence to do so.
-H
This is so genuine, yes, what if we did know there were to be final words before a deadline? Well-spoken. Thank-you.
Thank you!
I’m in awe over this blog. becasue my grown daughters are not talking to me. One daughter told me 90 days ago that I had dbetter take a good look at her as she proceeded to walk out the daughter becasue she was never going to see me or talk to me again. She has henced moved to Washington D.C. My eldest daughter still lives within walking distance from me but no communication has happened. I have often wondered should I make some type of attempt to apologize for,,,,,,,,WHAT? it was there choice to end the relationship. But I reqd your blog today and I wept. I feel as though is has expressed every emotion that I have felt.
I’m so happy that I could connect with you, and I’m hoping for the best for the future of your relationship with your daughters.
LaneDeboise: I read your comments about your daughters. As a first-born son with three younger sisters, a father with a daughter, and a guy who has had a number of close relationships with women in my 62 years, the mother-daughter relationship is much more complicated than any other parent-child combination. I tell every adult who says they hate or are estranged from a parent this: you will never be a complete human being until you accept your parents. Forgive them for whatever sins you think they committed and be thankful to them for giving you this life. Do it while they are still alive and tell them you forgive and thank them. My brother waited until our father had died to forgive him, and two of my three dear sisters are still holding onto their rage. I know how they take that out on me; I can only imagine what it must be like for their spouses!
You can’t fix this; your daughters will have to and if they are smart, they eventually will. For them even more than for you, I hope they do it while you are alive.
This was absolutely beautiful… you have a lot of wisdom for someone only 22 years old.
What a beautiful final post.
Thank you, cshowers! Still have much to learn.
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Seems to me, you’ve learned many of life’s important lessons at the tender age of 22. Finding your own happiness, letting others find theirs. Being willing to apologize, without feeling required to be apologetic about your own feelings or inspirations. Kudos to you. Now, you have a lifetime to put your knowledge of how to treat others and yourself to good use.
Apologies can be hard–I’ve definitely got a lifetime of learning ahead of me!
Most of these apologies could be mine too. Great post, it really made me think.
I’m so glad!
Great post, that was beautifully written. An inspiration to people who are afraid or those who don’t have the courage to apologize.
Great post – I can claim a lot of those on your list as mine too.
I think that learning to apologize, really apologize with authentic feeling and genuine intent, is one of the most valuable lessons in life; it’s amazing how much can be achieved by one small 5 letter word. Thank you for your beautiful words. Hxx (another Hayley)
it’s sometimes good to apologize than to create a big fuss over a small talk, not it just instantly clears out things between the two but also strengthens the relationship.
hence, apologies are good.
Really great post, very touching & relatable. I often write about the same sort of things on my blog at lindsayontherocks.com. If you have a moment, stop by – I think you’d relate to my posts, too
P.S.
“I’ve also learned that there is no one cooler to be than yourself.” Love love love this line.
Thank you!
Reblogged this on breaking the mold in a big way and commented:
This is a fantastic post. I believe so much in the forgiveness we must give to others, and to ourselves in order to move forward.
Damn, brother; looks like we’ve committed all the same sins. I’m 62 and still “working the problem.” Hubris, atonement, forgiveness, redemption—the human condition… My last blog post would be: “This life is precious and over before you know it… Live each moment!”
Duh! That should have been sister, sorry hayleylyons, had a brain fart there!
What a great blog post! We should all aspire to say we’re sorry more often. How brave of you to take the first step and publicly acknowledge the things for which you’re sorry.
hayleylyons: this is a great post and you’ve gotten lots of great and deserved comments. Sorry I said “brother” when I should have said “sister” in my earlier comment!
No need to apologize! I’m glad you liked it.
‘One day, I’d like to deliver these apologies in the form of handwritten letters, and I hope that I have the courage and confidence to do so.’
I’m curious – have you done it yet?
I haven’t yet, but I have openly talked to a few people about my apologies to them. The letters are certainly to come.
Wow! That’s great!
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